mismatch

" ...mahal na natin ang isa't isa..."

how can you shrug off an idea or a statement that you've always wanted to hear, especially when you know it's only a joke?

"na-miss kita..."

how can you tell if one is lying about his feelings or not?

"kung talagang tayo, dapat sa huli magiging tayo"

how can you deprive yourself of the dream that you've always had, even if you already know it can never happen?

"huwag. unfair sa kanya."

how can you tell him, 'how about me? is life being fair to me? i love you and we both know that you love me but something is keeping us apart. how's that for fairness?'

 

how can you dream of something knowing that if that dream of yours comes true, a lot of people will be hurt? how can you let go of a person that you have loved for almost all of your life? how can you stop yourself from falling for someone that you know is worth risking everything and yet values you as a last resort?

but mostly, how can you stop loving the very guy whom you have always dreamed of, knowing he already has someone, and that you also have someone, and yet, just the slightest hint or a mere coincidence reminds you of the very thing that you have been wishing for all your life?

can't find a topic that interests me right now. i'll just settle with random thoughts. bear with me... haha..

• upcoming Travel Expo at the Mall of Asia. i soooo want to come, but the only available slot is from 3pm-9pm. kumusta naman?!
• i want to visit UP, if only just to see someone. *blushes*
• i want to watch a movie, i soooo need to unwind.
• been missing my friends for quite some time already. wonder when the next get-together will be?
• i miss the booze. maybe i should drop by Lheng's house when Agatha's there so we can have a drinking session.
  
• hadn't heard a peep from my HS friends. wonder what's up with them?
• am still bothered by my former SO. still having daydreams as to how we will bump into each other.
• am still 'shaken up' by those two guys. wonder when indifference will set in.
• i want to go to bora!!!
  
• i miss my kuya, and am so looking forward to my havaianas (which according to my kuya is only worth usd8 in Brazil), and my laptop.
• am reminded by the moment when i actually cried because i cared so much about one of the BTR people. i wonder why that thought haunts me.
• i miss having conversations with the 'mean girls'. i have no one to talk to when it comes to bashing people, and that hobby of our is starting to haunt me.
• im so not doing well with some of my officemates. but what the hell, that's life...

random silly, useless, non-sense thoughts. what's happening to me?

umpisa pa lang ng application process ko sa airline company na 'to eh may bahid na ng malas.

day of interview, october 19, 2pm ang schedule ko. at dahil kabisado ko naman ang sikip o luwag ng daan depende sa oras, umalis ako ng bahay ng 11:30. kung tama ang kalkulasyon ko, nasa Makati dapat ako ng 1:00-1:15, maaga sa scheduled interview. kaya lang, hindi ko namalayan ang petsa...

pagliko ng fx sa may ortigas ave., nagulantang ako sa haba ng pila ng sasakyan. ito yung tipo ng congestion na na-experience ko noon sa katipunan pagtuntong ng 6:30 am. noon kasing wala pang u-turn slots, pag inabot ka ng 6:30 sa terminal ng katipunan, paniguradong late ka na sa 1st subject mo dahil priority ng mga traffic enforcer ang pagpapadaan sa mga patungong Ateneo. anyway, dahil nga isang mahabang kalye ang ortigas ave., wala akong nagawa kundi maghintay. sabi ko, maaga pa naman. i can spare about 30 minutes.

natapos ang 30 minutes, nasa ortigas ave. pa rin kami. hindi na ko natutuwa.

pagdating malapit sa may Megamall, tsaka ko lang naalala. 3-day sale ng Megamall, at may on-going construction pa. kaya pala congested. perfect timing!

1:15, nakatuntong din ako ng mrt. sabi ko, kaya pa. mga 10-15 minutes lang, nasa buendia na ko.

kaya lang... pati sa buendia, congested. alangan namang lakarin ko! hintay ulit.

pagbaba ko ng jeep, tawid ako. eksakto namang nagsimulang bumuhos ang ulan. labas ako ng payong. sige lang ang lakad kahit medyo malayo ang building at nababasa ang slacks (at stockings) ko.

pagpasok ko, nag-fill-out ng form kay manong guard. buti na lang may nakasabay pa kong mag-eexam. buti na lang talaga!

pag-upo namin, di pa man nakaka-isang minuto yung likod ko sa pagkakasandal eh tinawag na kami for the exam. kami na lang pala hinihintay, nauna na yung iba. kung nahuli pa ko ng isang minuto eh baka hindi na ko pinakuha ng exam dahil sa aking tardiness.

kung sino lang yung papasa sa exam, siya lang mai-interview. kampante lang ako. exam lang naman. karamihan pa sa mga tanong, tungkol sa math. ipinagdasal ko sana konti lang kaming pumasa.

lumabas yung results, pasado kami lahat. akyat kami for the interview. 5 kami, 2 lang kaming fresh grad, lahat may experience na. naisip ko, lugi nanaman ako.

nalaman ko na lang, may next batch pa pala ng applicants, di lang kami. dagdag kumpetisyon pa!

sumunod na biyernes, tinawagan ako. tanggap daw ako. pumunta daw ako ng office for the requirements for employment.

nagsimula akong mag-ayos ng papers. pumunta ako ng baranggay hall, walang tao, nagla-lunch daw. babalik daw ng ala-una. tumingin ako sa relo ko, 1:15 na. bumalik kami ng 1:45, may mga officials na. kaso, habang inaayos yung papers ko, nakikipag-chikahan si madam.

paglabas ko ng baranggay hall, nagbibilyar naman si kuya. hinintay kong matapos. naatraso nanaman ako.

nagpunta kami sunod sa municipal hall. ayos na sana kasi mabilis yung pagkuha ng requirements, ang problema, si kuya police clearance. pagpasok ko, may 3 nang naghihintay. okay lang sana kasi medyo mabilis naman yung pag-asikaso niya. kaso, bago sakin, si ate caregiver muna (pasensiya na, wala akong maisip na pangalan). at ewan ko ba dito ke kuya police clearance, aba'y nilalandi si ate caregiver! nagpapa-cute! hindi ko na lang pinansin kasi akala ko sandali lang. aba, sabi ba naman:

"ah, tapos na pala yung requirements mo for travel abroad. akala ko kasi hindi pa. tuturuan sana kita."

talaga naman si kuya! at nung natalsikan siya ng alipato (?) ng welding na hindi namin alam kung paano nakapasok, aba'y nag-inarte! nag-iikot, sinilip yung pader, sinilip yung aircon. kulang na lang eh silipin niya rin yung mga nagwe-welding sa labas. gusto ko sanang sigawan ng "kuya, baka naman pwede mong bilisan. hindi lahat may disposable time tulad mo."

diretso kami ng munisipyo sa kabilang-kabilang bayan. at dahil sa naatrasong oras sa pagsipot ng mga baranggay officials, sa pagbibilyar ni kuya, sa pagpapacute ni kuya police clearance, at sa pagtingin ni kuya sa flowershop, ay na-late kami ng 10 minutes sa pagdating sa munisipyo. napagsaraduhan ako! and to think na 3:30 pa lang ng hapon. hindi ba 8 to 5 ang pasok! bat 3:30 pa lang eh sarado na?! kailangan ko pa tuloy bumalik sa lunes dahil half-day lang daw sila bukas.

at dahil mahal ako ng kuya ko, binigyan niya ako ng remembrance ng araw na ito. meron akong tila thumb print sa may lower right leg. napaso sa tambutso ng motor. ang dahilan ng pagkapaso? tumigil kami sa flowershop para bilhan niya ng bulaklak ang girlfriend niya. sabi niya, tumayo ako sa tabi ng motor. pag-atras ko, eksakto naman sa tambutso. ayun, may bago akong birthmark. hindi na ko pwedeng mag-skirt...

pero okay lang, at least natanggap ako at may work na. finally...

*******

nagalit din sa'kin yung friend ko. *sigh*

Nag-forward ng message sa'kin si kuku kagabi. sabi:

Bakit mahirap umaching ng di mapipikit ang mata?

Bakit di magalaw mag-isa yung pinakamaliit na daliri sa paa?

Bakit di makahikab nang nakasarado ang bibig?

Na-curious ako dun sa pangalawang tanong kaya sinubukan ko. Ipinagawa ko din sa nanay at 2 kapatid ko. Lahat sila, di nila magawa.

Eh ba't ako, nung sinubukan ko, nagawa ko? Parehong paa pa nga eh! Di naman siguro abnormal 'un noh?

Just when everything seemed so fine, something turns out the way I didn’t expect it.

Yesterday morning, I woke up with a dream slowly fading into reality. It was him, my former significant other. The dream meant a lot of things to me, especially nowadays when his birthday is fast approaching. I still find myself fumbling, even his mere presence sends shivers and jitters through my whole system.

The feeling I have inside is intensified by the fact that we saw each other last reunion but was not able to exchange even a single glance. I tried so hard so my boyfriend would not find out how uncomfortable I was feeling, but deep inside, I was having trouble fighting my emotions.

His birthday is drawing near, and I really, really want to go out of my way just to let him know that I’m still here, waiting. And somehow, that dream of mine just creates thoughts, what-if scenarios, and a lot of questions. If only I could ask him personally. If only we could end this chapter and have all my questions finally answered.

*-*-*-*-*-*

And just when I closed that chapter on the ‘other guy’, he made his presence known.

Yesterday morning still, I woke up and found that I have a missed call coming from him. This is new for we haven’t contacted each other for months. So I texted him. And when he texted back, just him saying my name with a little smiley face attached to it made me smile. His voice, unheard for a long time, was a great pacifier of the pain that I feel towards him. And the fact that he missed me and him confessing that I came first before ‘hunny’, made me realize that somehow, we did share an intimate, and very close relationship that I’ve never had with any other guy considering we had very limited time.

This feeling was hindered long ago but it still manages to resurface every once in a while. Mere ‘ghosts’ of him can’t help but make me remember him: tennis, Eastwood Cinema, even my alma mater.

Nothing will make me forget the way he stated his real intentions, but somehow, his mere ghosts make me remember how I wish he were mine.